31 October 2017
Dear Momi,
I've been sick. I am still sick. The doctor said it might be pneumonia and I have been taking antibiotics since Friday. I suddenly get tired and my back aches. I'm having problems sleeping. I can't decide whether to leave the lights or tv on or off every night. I have just been thankful that I'm taking medicines cause I think they put me to sleep. But after four hours, I usually wake up. Even though I try to go back to sleep - I just can't. I stay awake waiting for the morning, then I get up.
Tomorrow will be All Saints Day. I'm not really inclined to go to the cemetery but Malmen said I should. Early this week, I was thinking you'll talk to the powers that be there in heaven and my sickness would just go away. I'll be cured and I'll be leading them all. Now I'm not sure. I just want to be sick, Momi. I want to really cry....
I wanted to hear comforting music and was listening to the JMM cover version of Both Sides Now. Then, I thought how about I typed in the search field "TED Talks on coping with grief." There were actually six talks on the topic. I listened to them all. The last one - finding beauty in the awful - her mom also died of lung cancer. She said that, somewhere in the space of time when she was down on her knees with grief you have to find something. Since she's a painter, she painted.
So, hear it is - I'm writing you a letter. There are too many things I wanted to tell you or ask you. Here they are:
Are you comfortable there? Is it true that death liberates you from pain?
Am I doing everything that you told me to do correctly? Did you like your funeral? Should I go visit your co-teachers as often as I can? You have so many bags, is it right that I give them to all your friends? to your favorite junior teacher, Janella?
Should I increase my contribution in the family budget?
I just booked a flight to Maldives without thinking - I even made errors on booking, is it safe to go there? Will I be cured by the time I have to travel?
Can you forgive me for not listening to you as often as I should have? For letting only Kayzer take you to the doctors? For being active only when you were diagnosed with Stage IV Endometrial Cancer? Even taking a back seat as soon as Ipeng and Tita Ikol were here? Then finally not letting you go back home or in your room that night? Until the end I did not tell you how much I love you and how thankful I am. I miss you a lot Momi.
When will things settle? What is the new normal? How can I get to that space she talked about?
Love,
Monet
